Well, I think having bipolar would mean that there is a gap between my states of worry and racing mind and restlesness. But my thoughts are all the same for days and months and years, whether I'm depressed or not. I don't have a time of " functioning well". I kept a mood chart on my phone but it broke down and I've lost all the data. I don't really think my emotions are much strong, but I boil them down and exaggerate their meaning, because I'm hypervigilant over every single change in my body. I'm doing everything not to feel anything. Having lots of thoughts and worries seems to block them underneath the surface. I'm not sure if I ever recognizing my emotions because I'm obsessed with verbalizing them. My depression is not much strong and lasts shortly, mostly I'm in a fight or flight mode in general. I'm never excited without any reason. I never have sleeping problems such as lack of sleep, except for when I drink from time to time. I generally don't think that my emotions - apart from anxiety - are the problem, but my thoughts.

I don't go to psychiatrist anymore because I have no intention in taking psychiatric drugs. I don't feel good on drugs, I don't even consider them drugs because they don't have any medically proven way of working and I'd rather be this way than experience their side effects.

I'm having a neurologist appointment and MRi to see for any changes in brain typical for ADHD etc. Then I may visit a psychiatrist to obtain a diagnosis, but not for drugs prescripton, and then - at some point - I may try with therapy.

Thank you for your reply!