Thank you all. I read your responses carefully, and I take the best of them. I know you have to feel frustrated, exactly like when I was feeling well and could not relieve enough other people's pain.

I know I sounded strong. I actually felt a little strong, because I was managing depression somehow. But his time it is just too strong. I'm knocked down. I can only suffer, wait and raise my Lamictal as prescribed.
I was not so bad since 1994, my first episode.

Now I understand those who injure themselves. If I had a feeling that scars could relieve my anguish, I would do it gladly. Fortunately, or unfortunately, I feel it would not change anything.

My despair is so deep that I even fear to get well... because then I will feel bad again and regretting the good time like I'm doing now, this exacerbating sense of loss. I don't know what to hope, I just close my eyes and breath deeply. Nothing happens, nothing changes.

Thank you for being there, my friends
Don't be frustrated, it is the nature of this damn Thing that nothing can help when the storm really blows