There were times that the words almost slipped out, but I always held back. We had a complicated history and I didn't want to push the relationship too fast, too far. I knew he cared about me, but I wasn't sure he actually loved me. And then one night, he whispered I love you. And I asked him to repeat himself. And then I said I love you too. Over the next week, he would say he loved me, and I would reply I love you too, but then I'd do something to lighten the mood. Like stick my tongue out at him. He even said, don't do that it lessens the meaning.

But inside, even though I wanted his love, and knew I felt love for him at different times, as soon as he actually said the words these questions opened up in my mind. Were we really right for each other? Would we still be together ten years from now? But during that time when he was saying I love you and showering me with the affection of that love, it felt amazing.

Unfortunately I wasn't the only one with doubts and shortly after he first told me he loved me, he ended our relationship. I consider the break fairly mutual because we both recognized that the concerns we each had were never going to go away and those concerns were at the root of our differences.

Why is it so painful to let something go that really wasn't going to last forever? I knew it, he knew it, but we're both in pain. Why do I miss something that in the last couple of months had as much uncertainty and doubts as it did good things? And why can't I find that switch in my brain that allows me to take what I understand and turn off these emotions, turn off these tears?