Welcome to PC.

I have been going through the cycle of missing and going back to someone who was incredibly toxic for me and it's just not worth the pain of breaking things off, restarting with baggage, only to break it off again. If I had only had to grieve once, way back at the beginning of April when he was gone the first time, I would have been over him by now. But instead, we trudged through weeks more of push and pull and I'm finally now just saying absolutely no more. And I have to say it hurt a little more each time things fell apart. And the crazy thing is, even though I know he breaks my heart every time, I still want him to contact me, and if he did, I probably would get sucked right back in. And the result would probably be devastating.

It's really, really hard, I know. But you gotta ride it out and allow the feelings to just...die. They will, eventually. Don't feed them by going back, making out, fantasizing, chatting him up. Just treat him like a stranger. It will get better. It's slow, but it will get better.