I lived in SD because, when I was 14, that's where our old junker car that my mom bought to impulsively move from Salt Lake City, which was another place we lived for a few years because a different old junker car purchased to impulsively move from San Diego broke down. We lived in San Diego because my mom fancied herself a seer and saw an article in Reader's Digest about a priest who ran a gigantic homeless shelter there, and it struck her that we should move there. Yes. We moved to San Diego to live in a homeless shelter. Mainly, we slept under trees for 6 months. And no, the winters are not always warm there.

Today, I am not well. My session with my T wasn't terribly productive; I am pretty much at a dead end. I don't feel like therapy has helped me in 23 years. I've felt this way for years, which is why I usually quit, but then I'll get optimistic, think, "Well, I just didn't try hard enough," and go back. But really...it's not doing much for me. I have the same relational difficulties I've had since I was a little kid, I am the same kind of loner I was back then, only have superficial friendships just like I did as a kid in elementary school. So clearly, I've spent thousands of dollars on therapy for nothing. She asked if I'd be willing to go to meetups and stuff, meet new people, and even maybe be open to a new relationship eventually. I really am not; I don't want to go to that Meetup anymore tomorrow. I just don't care anymore. I don't want to get to know people anymore. I don't have the mental energy to care about their lives anymore; when people talk to me (offline), it all sounds like Charlie Brown adults. I have no motivation to go out and look for fun. I tried tonight, thought hey, I'll get some Chinese from my favorite place and watch Netflix. I couldn't even eat most of it, and I honestly couldn't tell you what this movie is about. I just don't care.

I sent text messages out to five different people today, three of them "good friends." No one responded. I'm tired of trying.

I will admit, I'm having some really, really dark thoughts.