well, i met with the therapist.. i guess it was ok, she engaged with me inquiring more than what im used to.. i mean i think the first therapist was like that too but its hard to really remember..
since my mom was there for a few minutes in the beginning and talked about a couple things and started crying herself and i was just feeling ... "normal" disconnected as usual.. started to think maybe its easier to notice something is going on with me than i thought, to talk about some things and maybe present my self the way i do..
but i guess some people would have a difficult time believing my past, it's not something anyone would want to hear or know about so even if they thought it could be true dont want to believe it.. i think it must be much worse than what i allow myself to feel... even though i feel many things...
but dont really feel anything or really remember anything too... i dunno, im fairly confused..

i don't remember exactly what she talked to me about and what she asked, just a few things that made me grit my teeth because i have frequent flashbacks but never acknowledge or talk/discuss or share or anything with anyone and i really don't know how to talk to someone about my inside..
i tried to talk to her the best i could, without saying too much.. without putting thoughts into her head... without trying to cause anything to happen, because i seem to dissociate a lot more than i thought was possible..
its just bad for me to say too much...

i know she asked about suicide attempts and abuse questions, then sexual abuse in which i know i said i cant talk about it, but i think i went on to tell her something... i dont think i really ever tried suicide though, but maybe i did... i mean if you take a bunch of pills after drinking a bunch of alcohol im not sure what your intentions were?
but im an idiot sometimes.. maybe ill learn more about myself than i really want to doing this

im not sure how long we talked but it probably was an hour or so.. and i guess being an evaluation and not really a 'session' she was trying to get the gist of me rather than anything else...
but she did tell me a few things, that there is hope... and that i can recover, and get better and feel better, that i can eventually remember... that my reactions are quite common in traumatic lifes... cumulative traumas... compartmentalization...
its miracle that i remember those few things she said to me, but i think it was because at that time i was staring into her eyes :/

i sometimes accidentally say things that i dont mean to say though, and i dont know if she noticed because i try so hard to fix everything that i mess up because when i do start talking and let "guards" down things get wacky...
sometimes i say things that are irrelevant, sometimes it seems like im just saying something completely untrue... like im just making something up out of the middle of no where for no reason at all, but its something so bizarre that its like what are you doing?? you cant just say shocking things that probably dont even exist, i dont think my dad ever said he was going to kill me so i dunno... but maybe just having that thought is enough to form a belief as a child... or maybe im just mixing different memories... but they're not really memories, i hope she knows that im not trying to play games.. its really confusing inside of my head thats why i dont say many things pertaining to those things...
also i let some other things slip out about psychology which probably hinted that i know too much about stuff which i was trying to keep secret because i dont want her to join the others that would just keep telling me to stop playing doctor...

not my fault that i've been desperate for so long that i grew to allow myself to become obsessive over something as complex as the human mind... but the more you know, the more confused you can get... especially when your mind is so... shattered... and i just dont want her to think that im playing games like all the others...
but she was more interested in the traumatic experiences than anyone else has ever been it seem so maybe she doesnt care if i am exaggerating but cares how she can help me more...

its so hard trying to keep yourself from falling into a million pieces on a therapist floor because you're not able to hold it together any more... because you get "too far"away from whats happening in the room...

i just hope that i didnt scare her... i know im different..
she was a nice girl and i hate contaminating others minds with such horrid experiences... i think that i behaved though and didnt say very much or go into details really.. im not hostile and dont use dirty words and am really easy for anyone to talk to for some reason...
i tend to generalize as much as i can and avoid details as much as possible because i dont even want to talk about things, whichi i think i told her.. but told her that i have no choice, i have to do something .. though i dont want to at all and i want to hide, there always is a choice... but i have no other option because the alternative would cause pain and more prolonged difficulties for the ones around me ... while i hide from myself and issues instead of trying to resolve things, letting them deal with the effects of someone being like me...

im just so afraid of opening pandoras box...
i am so afraid of her not being able to handle me, of getting worse and then her not being able to help or leaving or whatever...

it is terrifying for me to leave here and go to the clinic, much less know why im going there, that i have to think about some things, and even talk about some things, see someone that i know nothing about... that is going to look at me in ways that no one has ever looked at me before in my life...
that i usually get extremely defensive about because i have to protect my secrets..

it is no wonder that i become so cold...

is there a way that i can try to make her feel better..? because it seem that she went through a few stages with me from seeing me and making the first impression, to noticing something is amiss, to hearing my mom make some rather disturbing proclamations, and then to have me say maybe some things that really complicated things in a presentation that made me seem really detached, compartmentalized, whatever you want to call it...
i felt bad because at one point she had to stop and turned around i thought she was going to cry..
i hate hurting people

i have problem with eye contact normally, but when im talking to them i often find myself staring through their eyes.. and i would realize that im listening maybe too deeply and it was making her feel uncomfortable.. or looking around the room at everything but her...
i am hypervigilant anyway... so i just feel bad about it and dont want her to think i am a bad person...

im a nice guy... i just feel really dark and evil and contaminated... everything is internalized, it is very seldom that i allow a trigger to hit me deep enough to let an extreme reaction take over... and i just dont want her to be afraid of that if she is to talk with me, i like being direct.. as long as its not too confrontational, and i know what her intentions are.. its something i prefer, rather than beating around the bush alllll the time like they usually try to do... because when i finally figure out what they are getting at i get frustrated thinking i've wasted a bunch of time trying to say something because i didnt know what you wanted to know.. and end up having to fight myself because i end up saying just anything because i have to say something for some reason even if i seem to just blurt out some random thing that may not even be relative to me... because if i say i dont know, or im not sure.. you want to explore more, why dont you know..
i guess sometimes i disconnect a little much and end up making 'false connections' thinking that what im doing is right but its actually just weird... atleast i didnt just zone out and stare at the wall without saying anything, i dont think

just not comfortable saying what i've been through to anyone because i dont want them making assumptions... things were bad... but things are ok now, they should be ok now... i dont blame anyone and dont want anyone else to think that the others are bad people... everyone makes mistakes...
think i made a lot of mistakes allowing things to happen...

sucky thing is that there is no psychiatrist active on the board now and so i will not have any medication type... um... whats the word... just no medication, plus she said that medicine probably wont really help... but i really really want klonopin or valium to help me deal with this therapy stuff because if i dont have something im probably going to relapse and start relying on... other substances....

its really hard...
oh the joy when you have no choice...

i cant seem to get myself to come back...
and im supposed to go see her again on the 14th to do a treatment plan thing..
i hate being sober, and people wanting you to be sober because its "bad for you"
i think if those ones could feel the way i do then sometimes maybe they would understand...
whether sober or not, it's miserable, but seems one way your threshold is raised...

well, i guess thats it...
dont know what else to say...

hope every one is surviving..