Quote:
Originally Posted by TrailRunner14
I've been thinking on this. I do have ongoing relationships with people who abused me. My mom and my husband.
With my mom, there is a shift that I feel when I am around her. I struggle with the feelings of betrayal blindness, and the pain in my heart of not having a true knowledge of what "safety" feels like. For some reason, she takes great delight in retelling stories of when I was little and how defiant and strong willed I was. When that happens, I do "go away" - I'm still "there" but I'm not. If that makes sense.
With my husband, there is a "radar" always on. Watching in hypervigilance for any sign that things could erupt. It's very draining and I feel very detached. There are different "parts" of me that are there, like a barrier between him and me. Those parts wait for a warning from the "radar" that something may need to be done to keep things ok. Usually, one of those parts can handle the situation, there have been times that I just "went away" and I'm piecing that together with my counselor now.
I'm working on learning about boundaries, and what they are. Being raised in the environment that I was, I question whether I have been like a codependent and allowed his treatment of my, because I knew no better/different. As I've become stronger, he is making an attempt to change. That is very encouraging to me. I hope that I can learn how to turn the radar off and that I can learn what "safe" really is.
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Hello Trailrunner.
My mother ( who has now passed) used to do the same thing. I think that is part and parcel of the sick and sadistic nature of abusers. As far as your husabnd goes, I am also very familiar with this reaction-the hypervigilence and walking on egg shells.
As a kid you learned what you lived, it was what you were taught was 'normal' life-- and then later, like me, you married someone who was also an abuser. There is such an unconscious element in life expereinces and what we learn. It becomes part of our minds and selves and the unconscious mind often influences our choices. Most people who were abused as kids marry abusers. Its what we know and recognize unconsiously even as we dont actively choose to be with another abuser.
Take care now. It is very draining going through what you are going through. In therapy, understanding and knowing how we got where we are lays the groundwork for us being able to get where we want to be in our own sense of self and individual identity and in how we live our lives as that one true self.