Quote:
Originally Posted by Luce
So we still have regular contact with our primary abuser, our father. Seems so freakin stupid when I say it. because on one side of this particular equation we would never ever have anything to do with him if it were our choice. Unfortunately we are not the only side that exists.
Our mother was aware of the abuse. She sent us to the bedroom to be abused while she watched TV. Sometimes she cried because it was too loud and she could hear us. We still see her too.
The other day we saw an old counsellor for the first time in over 30 years. We knew we had disclosed some abuse to her, but none of us front people knew about the father abuse back then. Apparently one of us told her about it then though. We didn't know that. One of the reasons for wanting to see this particular woman now was so we could tell her that. And apparently we did 30 years ago. Oh well.
Anyway, she suggested we sit down and have a conversation with the father about the abuse. I just about fell off my danged chair. Are you freakin serious, woman? 0_o Apparently she was. What would you say to him if he were sitting here now, she asked. We'd be feckin terrified and not say and a damn thing, that's what.
She drew this triangle thing. It said victim, rescuer, perpetrator. Who is here, she asked, pointing to the rescuer position. Father is, he rescues me. Father is all three. We are all three. We are all stuck in the same old roles. We are all the victims, all the rescuers, all the perpetrators.
She asked If we broke this cycle what would you lose?
The only answer is everything. They are family. They are all we have. Without them we are nothing at all.
Edited to add:
We had dinner with them tonight. We sat next to our rapist and his co-offender, and traded small talk and pleasantries over lasagna and apple crumble.
How's that for effed up?
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Luce,
I agree this is effed up.
Who wants to give up their family? Walking away from your family and being on your own without other family connections is a very scary idea.
"They are all we have. Without them we are nothing at all." These are your own words.
I want you to think about this: You are 'we' because of the abuse you suffered at their hands.' "You have never been here as one whole and healthy self identifying person because this conflict within you that is connected to your family and that keeps being refreshed by your continued interaction with them.
It is true that giving up family is a process filled with grief: grief over what was and what never was and grief over what was done and not done. There is plenty to grieve over. And if you decide to walk away from them you will have to work through all this grief. BUT ON THE OTHER END OF THIS- is the real possibilty that you can become and know your own one self and that instead of living in parts and peices you can live freely as yourself.
It is, yes, its is a high price to pay for independence; to give up your family. All I can say is that as a person who chose to do this myself, it was the best thing I ever did. I wouldnt be here today if I hadnt done it. The effect being aorund them ahd on me was so pernicious I ahd to free myself from that influence.
They actually wanted me to be sick and hurting. That was what I finally understood. [U] This was the basis of their own defense for how they lived and what they did : if I wasnt the crazy one they they had to be-- and such thoughts for my family abusers were unacceptable. They were not willing to confront their own behavior and sickness, so they made me the 'crazy' one in the family so no one else would ever know what they wre really like and what things they did to their own daughter.
[/U