wow.

i was terrified that he would be awkward / uncomfortable / embarrassed about the emails i sent him (can anybody say 'projection'?)

but... he was terrific. said that one thing that he really likes about people who seek help is that they are really really motivated to doing the work (compared with people who are ambivalent about psychotherapy). he thanked me for telling him what was going on for me in my emails.

we had a really great session. i think he gets (which maybe he didn't get before) that i am willing (and fairly ableish) to make connections between my relationships with my parents and stuff going on in my relationships now. he said that i was very quick to say 'its okay' about his not getting in to our last appointment and he asked me about whether i used to reassure my parents a lot... and so i told him a bit about that...

and we talked about the pain / screaming. and he helped me see that it is about loss. and i told him about when the screaming started (when the pain turned into screaming). when my homegroup leader got a little too friendly. and about how there was a similar situation shortly after at camp. and about how i lost my two major sources of social support about then. and i cried. and had to blow my nose (which i don't normally do - usually water leaks from my face but i won't let me feel it enough to need to blow my nose).

and... he seems to get now that cognitively is one thing... and emotionally is another. that i understand a whole heap (that i'm not intrinsically flawed or bad, for example, and that i'd be in a very different place now if i'd have had a different childhood) but that how i feel can be quite different.

wow. i felt the pain too. properly felt it but also stayed present enough to listen to him and think / respond. and i said about how i thought the public service made me worse... because if you say 'i feel scared because i'm thinking all these thoughts' they don't give a %#@&#! but if you say 'i feel scared because the voices are saying' then they do. because limited resources and prioritising those resources meant i had to present badly in order to qualify for anything at all.

and... he asked me if i thought i was getting better. and i said... yeah. can ask questions more now. can socialise more now. so anxiety is getting better. less days having to stay home cause i'm too anxious to do anything. i said it was slow... but, yeah, i'm getting better.

and he seemed pleased.

:-)

((((((((my t))))))))