*****Trigger warning for talk of Suicide************

I just need to get this out, oh and as a disclaimer T knows all of this and we have a plan in place, so don't worry.

I feel like I literally live my life for other people, and I don't mean I plan my schedule or anything for other people. I stay alive for other people. This week my thought was, I can't kill myself this week because its recital week for my daughter (and she is dancing nut who looks forward to preforming all year long)and then next week is her birthday and she would be devastated. Or, what if I die and H doesn't keep up with my son's therapy, this is a crucial time for him to be in therapy. Then there is the, I promised T I would be safe until we next see each other. This part of living my life is exhausting. I am suppose to stay living in hopes that one day I will be better. But I have had about 20 years of dysfunction in my life (after being raped and the crappy childhood) telling me that nope I will probably always be like this. I sat in the chair in T's office yesterday and said something like it has been 4 years.. and thought, holy **** it has been four years and this is where I am at. Maybe I am a lost cause? I just want to stop living for other people and live because I want to be alive, and if I don't want to be alive I want that to be ok too. Does this make sense?