I specifically use the term"mourning the loss". I use it in this way: "I mourn the lost years". The years I am speaking of are from 18 (and even before - since age 9 actually) to age 43. I mourn the lost years when I ignored my mental illness. Ignoring how it was effecting my life, and how the bad choices created disorders. I mourn the life that could have been. I mourn the missed opportunities.

The accumulation of mistakes brought on by BP mania, and BPD obsessions and delusions from both. All the bad mistakes. What life have I now? I am so happy with my husband, and with myself - but I am not who I could have been. Not financially, nor in my relationships with others. Thank goodnesss I was fired from my last job. Thank goodness I broke down at the unemployment office and those ladies said to seek help before I looked for another job. Thank goodness I had the light-bulb moment," I wouldn't have quit this job", which led to really looking at my life and understanding that had I listened to the professionals decades ago, so much pain could have been avoided.

I have both BP and BPD, so I am fine with you posting on this forum.

I miss my mania because I was so active, it kept me skinny.

Accepting that I will never be 18 again, I will never be able to get those years back and I have to start where I am isn't easy. I do want my years back, and resentment glows like coals in me when I think about my first husband who wouldn't let me get treatment when I was really bad off. If I look at just how my life is right now though - I must say, I am happy. This husband, my house, my yard. I have contentment. (sure, I want more, a SSDI budget is a poor one) but just day to day living offers me great peace.