Healed, I've been where you are. For a lot of years. The only reason I didn't commit suicide was that I didn't think my youngest daughter could cope. I remember learning that I had panic attacks-I though that panic attacks included being scared to die. For me, I thought I was going to die but I welcomed it. I was jealous of people who died (actually I still am that sometimes).
I can't say that I want to live for myself, but I can say that the horrible wishing I was dead has gotten better.