I keep thinking about this thread.

In my first posted reply to it, I said I no longer thought I was faking my symptoms/illness. I said I used to grapple with thinking I faked it, but have now accepted my symptoms are real, and the Dx is accurate.

However, on further reflection, I must admit that I frequently have to reaffirm to myself what my condition is. I go to the DSM and other places to revisit my diagnoses, and make sure it’s true. Sometimes I have to read the symptom lists several times before I recognize myself in them. Even though I was Dx-ed by a pdoc, I still am grappling with completely accepting my illnesses. I don’t know if it’s denial, or invalidation (i.e. thinking I’m faking). Maybe it’s both.

I’ve got almost a ritual going on with re-checking my PTSD Dx. First I go to the list of symptoms somewhere. I read them. Then, my first reaction is always, “Oh, this is a mistake. None of this is me.” Then I think about it a little more. I read it again, and I see, yes, it sounds a bit like me, but maybe not as much as I thought earlier. Then I read it a third or fourth time, at the end of which I finally see how I exhibit almost every symptom quite obviously.

I do this ritual every few months and I’ve done it for years. (I did it the other day.)

I guess thinking you are faking it can be viewed as a form of denial along with being a form of invalidation. So I have to say now that, yeah, I still do this. I have just been using different words.

--Ceara1010