Sorry to hear you're struggling with these questions, Willow. It seems clear to me that you're alive, and the world would be diminished if you succeeded in ending your life.

In my view of the world, dead people can't post on the Internet. Since you've posted here, you're alive. IMO one should avoid causing others to suffer if one can, and your parents will be hurt by your death.

It doesn't sound like you're talking about being alive vs being dead, though. You're starting with the premise that you're already dead and asking if you can choose between heaven and hell? If that's the question, I reject the idea that you're dead, and I reject the idea that there's a hell. Or if there's a hell, it's something we endure right here while we're alive, not a place of punishment after we die.

So I guess I'd say you have no choice because there's nothing to choose between.