Hi, me again, still really depressed, newly graduated high school, about to enter college, English major, yada yada yada...

Back with more vague, depressed rambles! Woohoo!!

I'm so ****ing boring as an individual. Like. The things I find exciting are semantic. The things I find scary are normal fun things. The things I care nothing for are what most relationships are based on.

My best friend spends all his time with me just doing upkeep on my emotional state. I put him in uncomfortable situations on a regular basis either with me directly or as a result of trying to make me more comfortable. I am so far from an ideal friend. I'm even further from an ideal best friend. In fact to call me that is insane because I'm nothing more than a burden at any given moment. He bends over backward to accommodate me on a daily basis and not only do I still berate him for "not doing enough" but that's literally all he does. He's not getting anything out of this relationship. It's all me. Me, me, me. I'm the only one benefitting from this.

I'm so ****ing boring. I'm probably dragging him down with me. I turn fun he does have into major emotional crises as soon as I know about them. He's depressed too, **** it, he needs to hold on to what fun he can legitimately get out of people in his life. I'm not a help to him. I'm a hinderance. I'm temperamental, I "shut off" at random times and suddenly need to be coddled until I can rejoin humanity, I'm a pest, and I come with no highlights, only downsides. I wish he could have found better than me for a best friend. I wish I could have been better for him.