I stopped playing video games because I felt they were flat-out wastes of time and I could use this time for more productive things. Nowadays, I spend some of that time I got back, reading self-improvement books, biographies, books on success but also, watch some tv shows (very rarely) and more often, reading manga. Then came the great epiphany, manga are just like video games so if I follow my logic, they're also a waste of time but I have no problem reading them, yet, I have problem with video games. It's as if I feel I wasted so much time in the past playing video games (which I did, it's not even a question, it's a fact, 20 years of compulsive playing I'll never get back) that now I want to do PRODUCTIVE THINGS all the time! Or almost. I read mangas before going to bed but mangas are a leisure, a pastime just like video games and my intelligence is really backfiring BIG TIME, this time. If this continue like this, I might someday only want to work, work, work but I know I need to relax or I'll explode (hopefully not in the literal way!)! I believe I think too much but I can't help it, I'm like that, it's part of who I am.

I have always been extremely ambivalent, I look at something and then I look at the other side. I want this but I also want that. I want to meet a girl but then I don't. I make plan to go hike in the mountains one day but change idea at the last minute. It's such a hassle to make decisions sometimes, I feel like there are 2 entities in myself and they're very often in contradiction. Do any of you speak to himself/herself? I don't talk to myself using my voice but I think, I have these internal discussions with myself and it goes on and on. Not all the time and it's mostly positive, I try to keep it that way but I'm ambivalence incarnate and I'd like to recover from this curse. There must be a way to recover from ambivalence, anyone know?

I'll add that I always try to do everything the optimal way. I want to look perfect, do things perfect and I know no one/nothing is perfect but I'm such a perfectionist, if the dishes aren't done after supper I will not be pleased with myself. If the bed is not done, it will affect me somehow, just like not having had time to read a book or working on my mathematics. It's like, I feel there is a way I feel I should be every day and I don't accept failure because I want to be the best version of me, every day of my life. I gotta do these things every day, I have a little list in my head and if something's missing, it's a failure. I absolutely hate with I procrastinate, I get really angry and feel like I'm not living up to my expectations.

If you read my past threads you know by now I achieved success in pretty much every aspect of my life except love and people say I'm very courageous, very incredible, for coming back this strong after a decade of physical/psychological abuse. I look great, I'm very smart, I worked at the government, I get 94s at school, I can talk to girls, I can talk with men, I have a very strict diet, amazing life habits, I sleep 8 hours a night, I help people, I'm a yuge philanthropist, I got a sanity score of 6 the other day, I get A LOT of things done in a day, I work out 3 times a week. Still, there are so many ways I'm not satisfied with myself, I should be even better, so much better, we have only one life to live on this planet and I wanna be like my idol, Donald Trump. I wanna build an empire and make this world better! I must give back to people and help as much as I can, it's my purpose on Earth, just like Gandhi or Martin Luther King, I really want to become as rich as I can (but it must be done legally and honestly). I don't want to live in a castle or buy fancy cars (a Honda Civic would be fine, I love this car, it's so easy to drive and quite cheap), I'm totally the opposite of many rich people. I'm a big philanthropist, if I cold give 50 billions for saving the world I would but until then, I must become better otherwise it will fail and I don't want to fail, I cannot fail!! I survived rape, over a hundred beatings, dozens of dozens of rejection, no girlfriend in 15 years, no kiss in 15 years (one hug), having a sick mother that leave me morbid voicemail and threaten to suicide daily, an absent father, almost no friends, failing grade 9 once, some severe injuries (I always came back 100%), getting lost in a foreign city and not eating for over a day, getting forced to shower in front of people and pee on my feet, getting forced to walk outside naked, beat up to death, they could make a movie out of my life and everyone would cry, it would become a masterpiece (though it would be a very sad masterpiece), I cannot fail after fighting so hard for over 2 decades!! I was always the underdog yet I always triumphed in the long run, for all the people that supported me and if only for myself, I don't have the right to stop. But I should be better and this frustration devours me...