My therapist thinks I am depressed. I think she may be right. I'm trying to fight against it but I feel very lethargic these days. The part of me that wants to do better, that wants to be active, tries to get me up and moving but I'm slamming against a wall that I wasn't expecting to run into.

My husband.

He is very inactive and seemingly lethargic himself. But I'm not sure if he's depressed, so much as just lazy. I want to learn to cook more - I'm already quite good at it but I want to cook even more exciting things. He isn't interested in joining me. He doesn't even care if I cook in general. He'd be fine not eating at work, or ordering a sub, then coming home to tv dinners and canned foods. He enjoys what I cook but he never asks me to or for particular meals or particular types of meals. Okay, he just won't be hard to cook for, he's neutral...

I want to learn to make soap or candles or knit or just something! He isn't interested in any of those things, even with me; okay, those are "girly" things. But he doesn't have any other "guy" hobbies that I could join in on either, and I totally would because I don't give a flying eff, I love to do and learn so much I'll try anything. I even bought him a beer making kit that cost close to $150 because he wanted it so badly. A year later, he's made one batch.

What about physical activities? None. I'm the only one trying to make myself walk or jog with hopes to do more later. He'll offer to come along but then I'm annoyed that he's along as a passive tagalong just like he always is. He comes home from work and sits in front of his computer and that's it. The only hobby he wants to get involved in is going to play Magic the Gathering. I don't think this would annoy me so much if it wasn't the only thing he wanted to do. I play myself but I don't want to spend hours doing this and nothing else, nothing productive (as in making things, seeing things, going outdoors, etc.). I'm willing to join my life to his but there's so little to join to and it's making me want to just curl into a ball and cry. The sorts of things he likes to do are the precise "activities" I turn to when I'm depressed.

I start to itch inside. I want to break down in tears. I know I can do things on my own but because he's such a huge part of my life, his total lack of movement from 5:30pm to midnight, his lack of goals, etc. just drives me insane. Yesterday, I was out for lunch with a friend and her daughter and between lunch and other stops, it took 5 hours. He kept asking when I would come home. It occurs to me now that there was no point in rushing home because what would we do on a Sunday together anyways? Watch Netflix? He wanted to "spend time with me" but he is so stationary, what would that even look like? If I want to do something else, he's open to it, but I have to make all plans. Always the passive tagalong.

I asked what his interests are. He has almost none. The few he does have we can't do right now. I share some of these but I just move on to others until I can do the more expensive things, like rock climbing. But if he can't go rock climbing at the local gym, he won't do anything at all. He makes no alternate plans, it's all or nothing, it's do precisely the two or three things he wants, or sit and ignore everything. He complains about not wanting to go out into the city because he can't go do things, so we don't even go outside. Again, if I go, he tags along, and at that point, I'd rather be alone, which upsets him. It feels like I'm dragging around a weight. And I guess that's what all this babbling has come down to. I feel like I'm dragging around a heavy weight and I'm struggling to carry my own so it's not working out and I don't know what needs to happen here because if I distance myself to care for myself - go for walks alone, whatever - he gets upset.

It's like his total "meh" personality following me around, not totally engaging, never taking an active role, never fully excited or happy, is a reminder of what I am about to become if I don't fix this.

Even if no one can give me some advice or insight, I think I just hit a few key points to take to therapy with me tomorrow. lol