You aren't at all responsible.

I need a break from the Internet, period. I'm alright. This is not all about JD, though he precipitated it. I know I keep blaming myself and everyone is like, "No..." but I really did have a lot to do with how badly it crashed and burned. I didnt trust him, got super paranoid and yeah, pushed really, really hard. Yes, he should have communicated. No, what I was asking for wasn't that demanding. But, in the midst of the things I was asking for was the picking and the insinuating questions, because I was so freaking insecure, so afraid of being left by yet another person that I really, really cared for, that I couldn't see the big picture: this guy liked me so much. So much, in fact, that I repeatedly lost my shyt on him, repeatedly, and he still allowed me back into his life. No, we weren't right for each other. Yes, it was horrible timing: neither of us, even if it had worked, are in a position where we can leave our respective towns within the next few years. However, I doubted him so hard, and though he was really flawed, the fact that he stuck around in spite of my crazy should have been enough for me to at least drop the paranoia. But, it only increased. And that's what torched our bridge, in the end.

If I'm honest, when I go back to that text conversation where I thought he was screwing with my head, what really set me on a tailspin on Wednesday, I will say I overreacted. Of course I couldn't determine that his tone was smart assed and not serious over text, when he said "Catch and release, that's my motto," but I had basically accused him of being a player, and he isn't. He was offended. As soon as he realized I was hurt, he backed down.

He is correct: I became too unpredictable, too unsteady. That was a reaction to, yes, his not making me feel very secure, but I think that I would have lost my shyt with any guy. He just put up with it for longer.

My spiral has mainly been over the fact that I seem to repel people. That I am just an angry little person on the inside, and I cannot get that anger gone, that I feel incapable of feeling when people love or care about me, and that none of my relationships, of any kind, are satisfactory to me. And that I tore down a pretty decent guy who really cared about me, even though he sucked at showing it in the end. I could have just walked away from our thing without all of the histrionics. I mean, he tried to. He wanted to stay friends as much as I did. I am also angry that I still want him to contact me, even though I know it would start the spiral all over again. I miss him. We were friends for a long, long time. That leaves a hole.

Anyway. You didn't give me false hope. I think you were spot on.