I started to decline more over the weekend, and, like usual, today I started the non-horomone week of birth control pills and I'm spiraling. All I've been able to do today is cry. I don't see any hope of getting better, and I'm so angry with the professionals I've been dealing with. It's like no one sees how much I'm hurting, no one who can do anything about it anyway. I don't want to go see my t tomorrow, but I have no real reason not to. I feel like she doesn't see how bad I am and doesn't care, but at this point I have no motivation to look for someone else. Plus we're in the middle of trauma work, and I just don't know how I can get back into the issue if I have to start over with someone else.

I just wish I had something to help me feel better, even just a little. I'm pissed about my meds, and still pissed at my pdoc. I feel even more strongly that he doesn't care either. Why else would he let me continue taking meds that don't work for so long? I want to switch pdocs, but I don't know if I can see any point in that either, since I'll probably have to wait months for an appointment if I do.

Right now all I have is my boyfriend. I don't know how he can stay by my side with how terrible I've become. Yesterday I was so anxious and depressed I couldn't deal with much of anything, and I even flinched away almost every time he touched me. But he's always right there, asking what he can do to help and telling me he won't leave. At least he's one reason for me to not give up completely.