I've been laying in bed and reading a depression-related book for one hour. I was a LITTLE relaxed and I felt weird becasue of that. I dind't want to get up but I had to to do some work at the PC. Now I'm feeling bad again

When calling my pdoc I always said that the severity of my depression was 8 or 7 (1 to 10). I'm glad I did, because NOW it must be 9.5

Today at wake up I could not speak well because of heavy breathing, I were missing the keys on my keyboard. I had cold sweats, restlessness, and the most absolute desperation (which is still here, anyway).

In this moment I can't get my mind off the idea of being 80 or older, with the only hope to be ill enough to wish for death. I know it is foolish, but I can't GET MY DAMN MIND OFF IT!
Now I'll be soon asleep, but what about tomorrow?

I really wish I was never born, or aborted, or dead in the cradle, before I could be aware of ALL THIS PAIN!