If there is a way for me to treat him better, I haven't found it. We discuss me stepping away from him occasionally, mostly when I start to tell myself I'm bad for him again, and he always says he's staying because he wants to and not because he feels forced. He wouldn't lie to me. He's been known to conceal things from me for various reasons, but to date he has never lied when asked a direct question, and he and his girlfriend have both said he probably wouldn't be able to look at me and lie convincingly if he ever even wanted to. I still can never tell if subconsciously he's staying because he fears I'd hurt myself otherwise. We both know I would. That's really not up for debate, and it's something we both realize I'm not equipped to fight right now. I tell him that my fate is not his responsibility and I'd gladly suffer self-harm if it meant I didn't harm him. That may not be helping any responsibility he may feel for me. I do know he loves me. It may still be best for him if he left, but he loved me before I was potentially toxic, and that at least hasn't changed.

I don't know what to do. I wish I were healthy. I'm not. This is what I have to work with. I love him. I want to do the best I can for him, even though that may be remarkably little.