I've been seeing a psychotherapist for about a month now. I've told her about my issues generally (social anxiety and past depression), but haven't gone into details regarding my past and specific events that may be related. I guess I just don't feel safe being completely open and vulnerable. Specifically, I really worry about crying etc, and how she might see me (or judge me, is perhaps more to the point). I really just need help moving past that point of worrying so ****ing much about what she thinks, so I can really start sharing things, but I have no idea how to do it.

I'm not sure if I feel so inhibited because of my past interactions with public (current PT is private sector tho) mental health care workers. The only few people I ever opened up to a little somehow both managed to get new jobs elsewhere and therefore had to stop seeing me. I maybe feel like those events left me feeling like it's pointless to try to get help when it's just going to get snatched the **** away, and all I'll be left with is the ****** feelings dredged up in the name of trying to work through the afore-mentioned ****.

Or(/and?) maybe it has to do with sexual stuff. I'm a straight guy and my PT is a woman in her early 30s or something. I wonder if some idiotic hard coded macho ******** of trying to maintain some kind of hard exterior in front of anyone you might want to **** is at least partially responsible for my inhibitions. Being serious about wanting a working therapeutic relationship, I of course have no desire to even try to do anything about any sexual feelings that may arise, but considering how ****tarded our sex-addles monkey brains are, I feel it's never too early to worry about such things.

Or maybe it's something else entirely. Any thoughts and ideas welcome.