i seem to be having a really hard time keeping myself out of trance like states... it has seem to get worse because i simply cannot hide the deep effects ...
i completely disappear...
i have no clue what it looks like and dont really want to.. but i know others are noticing and i dont know what to say or what to do about it, i am overwhelmed and cant really cope with anything im faced with currently...
it is difficult to function... keep disconnecting like this...
i just want to hide away from everyone but seems like people are trying to be around me more now probably because they are worried because im acting weird... but its making it worse because i dont want anyone to know... but i cant hide it and they keep looking at me strange because ill sit there and zone way out and come back and try to pretend like nothing happened but have no clue what they said or was doing or what i was doing and it just makes it hard to focus..
but it means i have to be more on guard... the more i fight it the stronger it gets until i lose grip for a few moments, dunno how long passes before i come back.. i just seem to go somewhere else, im so disconected... think my mind is trying to escape the body because it doesnt want to deal with any of the problems... i dont want to deal with any problems, but i dunno what to do..
my mind is just really tired and i dunno... if i could make it stop i would but its not in my control... i hate attention, why people have to see these things..
i dont even know whats happening to me... just that its getting way out of my control... or im just too tired to control it as well as i was because i keep fighting it which takes so much energy and doesnt seem to help at all

this is scary... i really dont know what to do, if it gets stronger i dont know whats going to happen to me...
i do not want to go to a hospital
that would be catastrophic to me while in this state...


i guess this what you get for putting off dealing with serious problems for too long... dumb dumb...