The problem is that in society, one is expected to portray grief at the death of one’s spouse. The dictates and ‘shoulds’ of society - with no understanding whatsoever of what it is to walk in someone else’s shoes.

It is easy to ‘judge’ and condemn others when one has had a wonderful relationship or having lost the ‘love of their life’.

Problem is, not everyone is in a relationship with the ‘love of their life’: either the love has died, the love was never there in the first place, if one is mistreated or if one has/had the burden of caring for someone who is ill/terminally ill etc. In such circumstances (feeling one can’t leave or one is ‘stuck’) it can feel like a burden while *in* said relationship. It’s not surprising to then feel a sentiment of...relief, freedom etc. It doesn’t mean one is heartless or a horrible human being. I think it is a very human reaction.

I don’t see this as what a bad wife you were - you weren’t happy in the relationship, yes? Yet you still stayed and cared for him, no? So, please don’t beat yourself up. You can, and are allowed to, feel both i.e. relief and sadness. It is all right.

ps: and kudos to you for not faking something you don’t feel.