I posted a couple of lengthy posts yesterday about various topics. The main point is, my depression has continued to worsen, and I'm dealing with people who don't even seem to care. My T's offer of help for how badly I said I felt yesterday was to offer me an extra session in 3 weeks. My pdoc has taken forever to make any changes to my medication, and the last time I talked to him (on the phone) he basically gave the message that he's fine with me feeling like this for another 3 months, instead of trying to meet again sooner. I thought I might be able to get an appointment with a different pdoc, but the one I see now has to approve the transfer before I can schedule anything. Why am I paying these people if they are going to dictate my treatment, especially when they don't even understand what I'm feeling.

I've said before in posts that I'm a counselor as well. All through school my instructors constantly repeated how important it is to have good self-care, and how we need to be in therapy too so we can help ourselves to help our clients. That we all need support to be successful. So where is the support? I've done so many online searches, and there are no forums or support groups for counselors. Everything I find is for anyone, not specifically people working in this field. I feel like the implication is that you find support where you work, but that's not easy. I have a great supervisor who I've talked to about my depression and anxiety, at least enough so that she understands my medical leave and why I leave early when I need to. But I can't talk to anyone else here. I tried once, and felt so judged by my coworker I just can't do it again.

It's like a black hole, and I'm just stuck in this place where there is nothing for me. On the outside I look too well put together and functional, so no one sees me when I'm falling apart at home. No one sees how even the slightest noise wakes me up at night, afraid that it's coming from inside my apartment. No one gets how it feels to be so afraid that I can't do certain things like normal people. If I'm home alone, the door has to be barred, in addition to the locks. I can't run the fan and the shower at the same time, it's too much noise and I wouldn't be able to hear someone come in. People in my life don't see any of this, so my word isn't enough. I don't see the point anymore.