I was told that I would have great difficulty doing my job after having a ruptured brain aneurysm and I did. I went back to work full-time 3 months after and struggled terribly for about 2 years. Year 3, I had a mental break down. It was advised by the medical team psych docs to work part-time, so I did and have been for the last 3 years and I must admit that I have been doing poorly. Needless to say, my mental status has not improved and life’s events are not helping me at all. Everyone keeps telling me to go on disability but not one of them is helping and I am referring to the doctors.

I tried to go on disability but was told because I work part-time and earned just a pinch more than allowed I could not apply for disability. In the meantime, working part-time has drastically reduced what I would have gotten from my disability and if I were to go on disability I would not be able to manage my current living expenses.

I just found out recently that my job of 20 plus years is closing. Not only will I lose my job, but I won’t even get half of what I would have if I had been working full time in unemployment, and still I don’t qualify for disability.
My therapist tells me that I have enough health issues to warrant disability. What’s wrong with me you ask? Well, I have hypertension, quote on quote “simple partial seizure”, migraines, aortic valve disease and a thoracic aneurysm, my glaucoma which has been under control for some 15 years is back and my IOP is extremely high in both eyes, and last but not least, mental illness to include suicide ideation….guess what I am thinking. Yea, I hear it all the time…it’s not an answer but it is an option, one of few I seem to have.

I’ve spent 5 years fighting to survive, fighting to keep my mind, my skill, my life! I’m about to lose it all. I can’t think clearly and I am exhausted. I’ve never been more tired of anything. I’m 52 and I don’t know much, and what I know I don’t seem to manage well. I’m a simple person with complicated issues.

I am as ready as I have ever been to just throw up my hands and give up. Why? Why? Why?

It’s my own fault for being in this situation. If I had gotten a good education, been mindful of my money, taken better care of myself, sought out good doctors and therapist, not trusted others with my wellbeing or just died when my brain blew up, I wouldn’t be in this ******!, situation!

If is no longer …I’m too old, and too tired to start all over. They (doctors & family/friends) spend so much time telling my why I should stay but not one can tell me how.

I apologize for rambling.