Not sure where to post this so I shall post it here. I don’t suppose this really needs any answers or advice as I am not exactly asking anything. It’s just a feeling I felt like writing about to get it off of my chest. Although I will appreciate any comments, thoughts, insight, etc if you feel like offering them. As I have mentioned in other posts, I’ve never been to a therapist so therefore have not been diagnosed with anything. I’ve been feeling really down lately. I have always been extremely shy and socially awkward/anxious but I feel that has gotten a lot worse. Like, a few years ago, I used to hang out a lot with my cousin and her husband’s family and not long after that, my best friend started dating someone in that family. After I got to know people and hung around them a few times I’d start to feel a little more comfortable and sociable somewhat. So I would go up to where they lived and have such good times…drinking, singing karaoke, playing pool, etc. Then about a year ago, I pretty much stopped going up there and hanging out with them (not really sure why). On the rare occasion that I do, I’m not very comfortable around them anymore and I get very awkward and anxious. The last time I was around them, which was last weekend actually while they were camping, I wasn’t my happy self that I used to be when around them. I felt like I didn’t fit in, I shouldn’t be there, and I felt like they probably thought I was a creep or weirdo for just standing around not saying or doing much or barely smiling/laughing. Like they probably thought "why the hell did she even come out?". It was just very awkward. Anyway, to get to the main point of this, that evening I went on a boat ride with a few people (my cousin and best friend included) and I couldn’t help but stare at the water and think about drowning…not by accident. I also felt this way when later on I got in the water for a little night swimming. Now I have always had a fear of drowning and couldn’t imagine how awful it would feel to actually drown. But both times, as I kept thinking about the water and of myself drowning…I didn’t feel scared. It was actually quite calming, tranquil, and peaceful. I should also mention that I really don’t think I would ever act on anything like this so I’m not sure why I had these thoughts and feelings. I did enjoy the peaceful feeling I got though.