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Originally Posted by ilikecats
I don't think you need to feel guilty. There are plenty of reasons a person could feel relieved or free when someone dies. It doesn't mean they are bad or that they didn't care about the person. It just means they feel relief, and there's nothing wrong with that. Everyone's situation is different, and it's okay to feel differently than other people.
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Thanks, ilikecats. I have to remember what you wrote because people are surprised at how well I'm doing.
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Originally Posted by atisketatasket
Many deaths are freeing, even deaths of those we had great relationships with, and especially if the illness was lengthy and debilitating.
You can miss someone and still feel liberated by their death. It's similar to divorce - free, yet this huge part of your life is gone.
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That's a good way of putting it and it's how I feel. It just seems like many people, like those on the group call, are devastated when they lose their spouse. They go on with life, but something is missing. I feel like something is added to my life now, and that's what makes me feel horrible. Death of a spouse isn't like divorce for most people. It is for me, though.
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Originally Posted by Rive.
The problem is that in society, one is expected to portray grief at the death of one’s spouse. The dictates and ‘shoulds’ of society - with no understanding whatsoever of what it is to walk in someone else’s shoes.
It is easy to ‘judge’ and condemn others when one has had a wonderful relationship or having lost the ‘love of their life’.
Problem is, not everyone is in a relationship with the ‘love of their life’: either the love has died, the love was never there in the first place, if one is mistreated or if one has/had the burden of caring for someone who is ill/terminally ill etc. In such circumstances (feeling one can’t leave or one is ‘stuck’) it can feel like a burden while *in* said relationship. It’s not surprising to then feel a sentiment of...relief, freedom etc. It doesn’t mean one is heartless or a horrible human being. I think it is a very human reaction.
I don’t see this as what a bad wife you were - you weren’t happy in the relationship, yes? Yet you still stayed and cared for him, no? So, please don’t beat yourself up. You can, and are allowed to, feel both i.e. relief and sadness. It is all right.
ps: and kudos to you for not faking something you don’t feel.
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Thanks, Rive. I am mixed up. I never pretended my marriage was wonderful, but I thought I'd be more sad. I am very sorry my H died and will not see our grandchildren grow up. I am grieving the loss but not the relationship. I guess it is what it is.
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Originally Posted by Echos Myron
I would hazard a guess that you weren't the only one struggling with this in the conference call. It's difficult (and not always productive) to speak up and express such difficult feelings when others appear judgemental of them.
Your feelings are valid rainbow. Remember that. I suspect therapy has helped you to be true to your feelings and not deny them to awareness like others might. That is an awesome achievement and very healthy.
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Thank you. But maybe we should have gotten divorced years ago and led more fulfilling lives. We stuck together because neither of us wanted to upset the status quo. My T and I talked about this a lot. It's sad.
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Originally Posted by divine1966
Don't feel guilty. Every situation is unique. You aren't obligated to fit into some kind of grieving model.
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That's what the grief counselor said too. Thank you.