I hate when my mind and brain are at odds with each other. It is the worst. Its like being stuck at the dinnertable while your parents arguing. No one is giving an inch and you just sit there silently playing food, wishing you could either yell at them to stop or get up and leave, helpless to do anything without fear of punishment. Yet, you are being punished eother way....but, being that this is your mind , brain, and body...you actually are in charge, but you still meed to find the courage to speak up and break the cycle. Its mot your fault, you did nothing wrong. Someone else inflicted this on you. They hurt you and now you are being repeatedly punished for this scumbag's crime. It not fair. You cant change what happened unfortunately.., but you can decide that you have suffered long enough and that it is time to stop allowing your abuser to continuously control your life. It is not an short easy road to healing....but, just like any journey, you will never get anywhere until you decide its time to get up and start putting on foot in front of the other. Sexual urges are not something you can just get rid of. It is a basic human need just like food water and air, the inly way to stop a rumbling starving stomach is to feed it. Yoi were naturally born with a lrg appetite, you may never get back your full ability to enjoy, so the best you can do for your self right now is take whatever small baby steps you can tolerate to at least throw your body a morsel or two whenever you are able which over time can rewire the brain to need less to be satisfied. It is your mind that is the hardest to heal and only hard work and time will do that. Hope that is helpful. I dont have the,answers all either...ive spent my life trying to fight trauma, it gets better for a while then sometimes are worse again..but just keep fighting cuz its your life and you deserve to be free to enjoy it.