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Jun 09, 2016, 07:32 AM
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Member Since: Aug 2014
Location: boulevard of broken dreams (in a small town in a small country in Eastern Europe)
Posts: 34
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Quote:
reread ur OP shygirl and ur responses to replys. Heres my thoughts... Scientifically speaking, all humans are born as sexual beings. This is fact. Ultrasound technology has shown clear proof of this. We also from birth have certain inane personality traits unique to everyone. We are all born with different kinds and levels of sensitivity to different stimuli. And also different comfort levels regarding our bodies. Ex. I have a friend who has twins. By the time they could manipulate and or rely even by crying their preferences for clothing were much different, one was always fusding over being dressed and as soon as able was ripping of clothes and diaper and running around nude and exploring their body, the other always fussed when swaddling came loose and even in the hottest of summer days was very uncomfortable in no pants or shirt. Also didnt like to be hugged or held by anyone but mum. So sense comfort levels regarding body sensations is in someways something we are born with as well. So it is possible you were born with some aversion to touch. From there we start picking up on familial and societal cues. You said you grew up in a family who had conservative views about sexuality. So that could also be a factor. Then pubescent yrs happen. But we develop at different rates. I remember at 12, 13, I was completely uninterested and rather ignorant of sexual things that other kids my age where already engaging in. I had never even thought about anyone or anything sexually, no puppy love crushes or odd sensations of attraction towards anyone. I was a late bloomer. Also was withdrawn and picked on as being "the weird kid". ( i should also mention i suffer from identity issues so my interpretation of things is difficult cuz the sexual parts of my identity are fractured so although I have some insight my sexual memories are mostly second hand information) sorry that is prob not relevant here but i feel oddly dishonest discussing sexual experiences cuz they dont feel like they really brlong to me..if that makes sense? Back to your post sorry bout the detour  lol... You wrote that you also remember peers sexual behaviour seeming gross or odd to you in early adolescence. That could be due to being a late bloomer. Then before you felt comfortable or ready you had some s stuff pressured and forced on you. At the time it was fairly traumatic for you. The mind deals with trauma in many mysterious ways, so even though you dont now feel like it was that important, your mind could still unconciously be sending you signals that are repressing your sexuality and have caused you to feel numb towards sex. Im not saying that is true in your case, just that it is something to posdibly consider and if you work with a T you might want to discuss and explore. Its possible you have low libido either naturally or even without meds depression and anxiety can have drastic effects on libido and your lack of pleasant sexual experiences and being shot down by the first guy u actually felt some sexual attraction to could cause further repression and los of confidence and or more anxiety about all of it. You did mention that you have sexual fantasies so that means that somewhere inside you their is some spark of interest. Also you phrased your feelings toward masturbation as " it just didnt feel alright." If you were truly asexual it wouldnt feel like anything at all no sensation completely indifferent. If you gelt some thing but didnt realky like what you felt or were uncomfortable with the sebsation, IMO, that speaks more inline of repression or shame...which is actually very common for many woman. Our society has always unfortunately set a a double standard regarding sexuality although we have come a long way still there is a lot of shaming and stigma towards women's free sexual expression. Men generally have it a bit easier. Masturbation is viewed as a natural act as long as it is not overt. And engaging in sex before marriage is practically bragging rights. Women still dont recieve these msgs. We have to come to terms with sexuality on our own and filter out all the negative gossip and cultural shaming.  Ok i have semed to have turned this well meaning reply into a rant.  Bottom line, you are still young. You have plenty of time to explore and grow. I suggest you find a good therapist and spend some time safely and cautiously out in the dating scene. You stated you view yourself married and having children someday.... well that will require actually finding a guy that you would want to marry. Of course you now with thanx to science, you do not even have sex to have children. So if you do find that sex is just not for you, then there are many other life styles to consider. But it seems you have still a lot of learning about you to do first, so just take it one step at a time and be kind and gentle to yourself... Once you are able to open your mind to all the infinite different paths available in this world, im sure you will find one that feels right for you, and hopefully it comes with much happiness and love. 
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Hi again Lost in the woods. I agree with most of the things you said. I’ve either read about them, though in that way or noticed it in my surroundings. However I would like to add some things that I didn’t explain in my previous posts:
1. Just because I was sexually averse it doesn’t mean that I was/am averse to touch. I like to be hugged and kissed on cheek by people I care about.
2. I wouldn’t say I was a late bloomer. When I was 11 I already had hair growing in weird places. I had my first period when I was 12. My breast started to grow by 13.
3. And I didn’t explain the part about the (sort of) crushes. Romantically I’ve always knew I was interested about boys. The earliest crush I remember is when I was 6. My attraction to boys has went through 3 stages. My first crushes were purely platonic. I desired to be friends with them, to know their likes, dislikes, interests, hang out with them. After that I also began to feel romantic and sensual attraction. That meant I began to fantasize about kissing, making out, hugging, cuddling, holding hands. And finally I was sexually attracted to the only guy I’ve fallen in love with.
4. Ever since I was young I was more curious about boys’ mind than about their bodies. I was interested why they liked certain thing, viewed things from a other perspective, behaved differently. Until I was 18 I didn’t view the male body in a sexual way, neither the females. I was aware who was aesthetically beautiful or handsome, but I was never sexually attracted to anyone only based on their appearance.
5. Porn may had an effect on my sexual aversion. I’m not saying it caused it, but it gave a negative image about sex. In 80% of the videos they treated the woman like a ragdoll. It was either a little rough or too hardcore for my taste. It’s mostly animalistic and done without too much emotion on either side. However when I watched female friendly porn or romantic movies sex seems more appealing. I like soft erotica the best though. I prefer these things because the sex is slower, gentler, sometimes I can almost feel the passion and affection between the characters. That’s only when I have my little sparks of sexual arousal.
6. I don’t know why I can’t masturbate. Maybe I chose the wrong moment, when I wasn’t aroused enough. Or maybe my sexual attraction started to fade by then.
7. I want to get married because I want a life partner so we can love, trust and support each other. I don’t see a man only as a possible sperm donor. I want the father of my children to be part of their lives. Of course there’s an exception if he would be a treat to mine or the children’s safety (for ex. if he’s a criminal or abusive).
I was sexually attracted to one guy, there’s a chance it will happen again. And then if the opportunity strikes, I’ll explore my sexuality. Right now there isn’t much I can explore.
Thank you for the kind words.
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