I so hate the fact that things don't just affect us one at a time. It seems like it all comes crashing down at once. Its this constant testing I feel like maybe a "higher power" is putting me through.

How much can one deal with all at once? It does not seem to stop. I don't think I have ever in my life felt so utterly depressed. Simple statments made trigger the worst thoughts. And I shock myself. Someone said to me, "I will drive you to the store if you need." My thought was, "Well at least find a steep cliff." I didn't say it outloud but this is what I keep thinking of. How silly is that?

My doctor sent some wishes my way. He wants me to know that his door is always open when I feel like coming back. He wants me to know that he will always be my doctor no matter how hard I try to shut the door. He is worried and wants me to come see him. He said he is not angry and is starting to understand more and more what the reasons are for how I feel. He said he has learned a great deal from me. (sigh), not sure anymore.

Racing thoughts, little sleep, nightmares with the little sleep. So damn drained. This sadness is truly washing over me, I am sinking fast.

Justy