I'm in a dark place. I'm hoping spending a few minutes typing here will help.
I have both been scared to lose my bf and tried to break up with him several times. I'm realizing having someone say they love me isn't going to save me from my depression. I knew that already but for a few months when this was new, I felt ok for the first time in a long time. Now I'm dreading the weekends, I have to pull myself together (physically and mentally) to act somewhat normal. I'm not normal at all.

Something I did last weekend will haunt me forever. I try to tell myself that it wasn't a big deal. And in my whole life, compared to other things like this, I got over them.

There's no option but to keep going but I'm so tired. I feel so guilty yet I can't get up in the morning lately to send my son off to school with a lunch. Now, he is a teenager and quite capable of looking after himself but he doesn't bother to care lately about putting a sandwich together. I'm crappy at being a mom but I have no desire for living right now.

The tinnitus seems so much worse and I don't think of it because if I did all the time I think I'd find a way to end things. But lately it's so bad that I think to myself, if someone else who didn't have this was given this noise, at this level for even just a day, I think they'd go insane too.

I haven't been getting out for walks like I promised myself I would so my hips and back ache. I'm eating tons of sugar even though I'm diabetic, I notice my legs ache and my eyesight is getting worse but I keep doing it. I'm not caring but I'll pay the price if I don't. I can't put together a meal lately. I have a mess everywhere. Yesterday all I managed was one sink full of dishes and the bathroom sink. Bf should be coming here as I spend too much time away from son and I'm spending money on gas, yet I don't have the energy to clean this up.

I know this is rambling, it doesn't help. I'm just so stupid, I can't make this life work for me, why can't I feel ok with what I have? Why do I feel so low almost every minute of every day that I'd like for life to be done with? I'm also realizing in a few years or less, without my son living with me,no more child support, I won't know where to turn for a place to live. I don't like getting disability but it has kept a roof over my head, but without $ for shelter for two there's no apts that have that low a cost I could afford. My parents are getting so old and so many health problems I know I could lose them and likely will soon, and even though we had so many issues, now that my dad is old he has been like a life support to me at times. I'm tearing up right now just at the thought of him being gone someday. Thanks for this place to vent.