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Alone & confused · 01:45 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by actusreus

By split, I mean kill myself. I have two younger brothers who did, so I'm aware I'm pre-conditioned. I just don't see a way out.

Divorced 5 years ago from the mother of our 4 kids. She cheated horribly, with many men, over four years. Never saw it coming. Thought we were happy. On again off again with her ever since, even while she's been remarried. Can't get past the horror of the things she did, but also can't seem to find anyone else even close to as attractive, funny, smart, etc. No shortage of women along the way, many of whom are probably great, but none of whom I have even the slightest interest in being with long term. Probably dated a hundred women in 5 years. Leads me to strongly believe it's not them, it's me.

Lately I just see things as so bleak. I'm 42 now, and the odds of me finding someone, miraculously, that I like more than her, seems, logically, to be declining. I don't interact with her now, but if i'm honest, I know I'd try to go back to her if she came calling, until I freaked out thinking about stuff and screwed it up. I have 50/50 time with my kids, and honestly, what I think every single morning is that it's only 11 more years until my youngest is 18. I'll feel less horrible about eating a bullet when they're all grown. I'm a successful attorney, have a family who loves me, am tall, handsome, and am very aware of how many people have it much worse. That doesn't change the fact that each day without my kids is spent alone, all day, and every moment is spent wishing I didn't have to keep breathing.

Good lord that sounds dramatic. I know. But it's true. Any advice is appreciated.

I'm SO SORRY about your younger brothers! It always hurts me to hear that anyone has gone to that extreme to escape whatever they were going through! And you say that preconditioned you right? Well hon, think about that. If you followed suit, what about your four children? Do you think that one day they might feel preconditioned too? Would you want them to even consider that as an option? Believe me I KNOW how hard it is to hold on! Especially when your only reasons are your children and you don't even feel like you're living for yourself anymore. But you sound like someone who truly loves your family and I really don't think you'd want to set that example for them. I hope you find the strength to hold on!
As far as women go, I'm sure there's another one out there for you. But you'll have to give one a chance. If you've dated 100 in five years, then it seems to me that perhaps you didn't take enough time to really get to know any of them. True love takes time to flourish.�� You can't find a lasting love in a "speed-dating" type of fashion. I hope you won't give up on that either! No one could ever be THAT one who you lost, but that doesn't mean that you can't find something even better. Change can be a good thing. You could end up finding something you didn't even know you were looking for that could make you happier than you ever imagined. Best of luck to you!