I am not seeing a therapist and not sure when I will see one. I am gonna vent because I am about to explode. A male friend who is married, we were talking about different things and I am not really liking how he's accusing me of not being interested in this or that etc last night he said you don't sound excited about a lot of things. This is why people know nothing about my past/traumas. When people do that, I tend to go into having a cold attitude, feeling threatened, and being nasty - old defense attitude.

Okay, people don't understand my emotions. I do keep them surpress, most times I don't feel anything, and not in tune with my emotions like I should be basically emotionally unavailable and dead on the inside. This is something my former therapist was really working on me hard. I had this talk with my roommates/friends who are married about how this other friend seems to wanna figure me out; (mutual friend) how I felt my feelings are being hurt. I cried which I felt attacked because I am not showing a lot of emotions about different things. My roomies said I develop this crying emotion (forgot how they explained it) as far as I am concern I am not sure when to feel hurt, threaten (most times I know), or when to know if I should talk to a friend about what they said to me because I will get told I am overly sensitive.

Sometimes, this male friend pisses me off feels like I can't talk to him and one day I avoided texting him. This is why I still have walls up and still closed off. I might have to finish this later, so far, do I have a valid point, does the friend have a valid point, or am I over reacting?