after my 3rd 'fail', i began having serious 'accidents' that caused concussions and unconsciousness. no one ever put 1 and 1 together. eventually, i began to realize that might be consequences to failure that would be worse than what i was trying to escape.

i continued to have sui-ideations for several decades, until finally a Dr. of Acupuncture did something, and they stopped. i went to quit smoking, thinking that any thing positive i could do would help. what i found out is that sui-ideation is an OCD brain disorder. when the thoughts stopped, life didn't improve all that much, but i looked for other ways to change it.

i hope everyone who is feeling driven to 'end it all' will find a way to just end the urges and thoughts about it.

may you have peace, and the causes of peace~