Quote:
Originally Posted by mikeshobe007
Hello everyone,
Thank you for reading my post. I am pleased to find a place like this where i can ask psychological and relationship related questions. Its satisfying to talk about things to people who would appreciate and give rational advise :-)
Here is my situation :
I am a 31 years old Muslim Asian male (born and raised in Asia, i do not practice Islam) dating a British born Hindu woman (31 years old) for one and half year in UK. We have a very sound relationship. She is a successful entrepreneur and I have a master degree with six years professional experience. We plan to settle down together in future.
As its said we have a healthy relationship, except the fact that I dont like she comes back home after 2AM from social activities. Of course its her choice but I just cant accept it. I do not stay out after 2 AM either. Its just my thing. I tried tell myself its OK, she needs space, but it didn't work. I get mad and start to break things ( eg, wine glass, mugs). I think i have an anger issue. Which needs to be sorted.I think I had developed it seeing my parents arguing and fighting a lot during my childhood and teenage period.
Jealousy! yes I am jealous to certain degree like everybody else but main issue is coming home late. I have talked about this with her a few times, she said she would change and try to come home early.But she is keep failing to do so.However I have notice that she going out less than before.
I was thinking is it related the way I brought up, if so how can I change my mentality? How can i accept the fact its ok for her to come home late? Am I expecting too much? Shall I end this relation and find a Muslim girl, hahaha. I have dated a few western women before, in Bangkok where I lived for 10 years. I faced similar problem. Or am i control freak?!!
I would really appreciate you guys share your opinion regarding this issue. I am kind of lost and I am really tired of fighting with her about this.
Thanks a lot guys.
:-)
|
First of all I commend you on being self aware enough to note that this is not something you are blaming on her but looking at what you are doing and analyzing what it is that you're doing wrong. big step to change is to observe and realize when you are making mistakes.
Second, I think you know already that your behavior is, or at least bordering on controlling her. The anger you feel is resulting from the fact that in reality you know you shouldn't or can't control her in this area that stems from jealousy. question: are you angry that she comes home at the time she does or are you angry because of the jealousy that others are getting her time other than you and it just escalates things that she comes home so late, therefore it equates to even more time that others had with her rather than you? That could be the root of the problem in my mind but I could be wrong here. Just something to ponder.
As for jealousy. Jealousy is the opposite of trust. It removes the idea that the other person is capable of being faithful around other people. It assumes that in the face of other males or even other people, that they will choose the new person, whether a female friend or cheat on you with another male. it stems from our own insecurity that when they state 'I love you' or "you are my one and only" that it's not true. when we believe and truly trust our mate fully jealousy will dissipate.
I think that the first thing to do is talk with her. communication is the key here just like any conflict in a relationship. what are your needs, what can you do, or she do to give you more security without her sacrificing her right to go out as much as she wants? figure that out and without accusation or pointed words tell her. Be honest about your jealousy and tell her, be transparent in letting her know you realize this is something on you.. come to her in this manner and I believe, since she loves you, she will want to figure this out.
Also... work on accepting who she is here and now. this is all on you. Accept she's a social person that loves time out with the women. Likely it's something that attracted you initially but unfortunately many times we really are attracted to opposites and therefore after a time being together it can and many times does cause conflict because those things that make us go 'I want her" are the same things that are very different and missing in us. Come to a place where you truly love and accept her as she is. when you do, it will help get you on your way to defeating the anger and feelings causing your anger.
Just my thoughts and again, I may not be on track, but this is how I see it. HOpe it helps.