Quote:
Originally Posted by Hashi/bipolar mom
I fear I won't have hope again. My therapist and I discussed this today. I'm scared, fearful and oh so so tired. When I was diagnosed last June with BP, I had hope. I thought I finally had an answer to what was wrong with me and that I would magically find the right meds and ride off into the sunset. Boy, was I WRONG! My "hope tank" is about empty. I love hope! Hope is up there with hypomania! It's a wonderful feeling! I haven't felt it in a really long time. Does that answer anything or is that just confusing?
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No, I completely understand. Sometimes I wish I was still pretending I wasn't such a hopeless idiot. I still do, quite often, but maybe not enough, the reality without it is worse and I just need to keep having irrational beliefs.
But maybe it's just a last hurdle. It should be. Maybe it's only a matter of time and I can function best when not manic or depressed or a mix of both. I should slowly work to overcome the fear of being on my own, without a struggle, without mania or depression, or the fear alone will cause mania. Maybe it's nothing more than taking the time to adjust. But maybe my personality is not something I can change or live with.
It's horrible. Life is meaningless without psychosis.
I'll just pretend there's hope. Or maybe successful treatment of the "problem" is worse than the "problem" itself.