it is hard to describe and understand...

i haven't even began to think about trying to process anything, i cant..
im just not strong enough to handle it even though my mind is trying to push me, i just keep burying things and running from them..

i guess thats why i cant think about it..
still i haven't really accepted the fact that i am hurting.. im at war with my self

i know the confusion and memory stuff is really frustrating.. part of me really wants to sort it out too, understand and make it better, but i dont want to deal with any of it.. i just want to forget and be normal like everyone else, but im realizing that i cant - trapping me :/

i dunno how you all do it... i am wearing myself down and exhausting everything in my arsenal to try to fight it, i guess just to buy a little more time.. but this way i have been is not really good... not like im enjoying it... but i dont know what else to do, im afraid of it so some how i turn power off to parts of my brain.. atleast it would seem something like that..

it really sucks not knowing whats happening, how to handle it or what to do to make it better!

i think it sounds like you are moving forward though right? must be a good thing, if the gears are starting to turn for you then i would keep going with the flow
hopefully things will come into focus and you will have a much better vision and understanding

gives me hope that maybe some how some day i wont be so scared of it