thanks..
im just really ashamed, i cant even bring myself to talk about it i dunno how im going to .. how does anyone bring them selves to say some things... oh man >.<
but then again i probably wont talk but i will and just not remember, grrr this stuff really rattles the cages so to speak..
im 26 so i guess its good that im trying to start dealing with it now, again im sorry that you've had to go through so much, one of my biggest fears is because its hard for me to notice time passing and remember stuff.. i have to try not to let that happen... just dunno if i can do anything about it

its difficult to even type this because my head starts to spin, i just really dont want to think about it i think like i really cant you know? its locked away and im not even going near it, trying not.. but im blind or something and walking around knocking all kinds of stuff over like a clumsy fool..
i dunno how to not be afraid of it so much grrr cant make it stop you know.. its like teetering on the edge, im losing it because it keeps trying to go one way more or the other, whatever... and i feel like its all going to come flying out at me at once and destroy me..
i dont like it, i have to do somethings i never wanted to do and im always so uncomfortable anyway this is just going to be so much more and i dunno if i can handle it
so unfair
i never know what my reaction is going to be when im surprised... dont like surprises much..

im really detached or something, outside of time... i cant believe its the 9th.. well, another day is already gone so its really the 10th

all i can do is sit here and shake my head, what have i gotten myself into..
then i just remember the shame, you spend so much time hiding something from everyone and yourself, but in the end it will still be there waiting for you to deal with it, growing bigger and darker and more scary, i just dont want anyone to know... i hate attention so much .. especially when people look at you in certain ways because of some fallacy .. or some events that transpired... puke

ugh, sorry im just having one of those "long moments" or something :/
i just think i've been stuck in the bubble for .. like... a long time, i think i started noticing it somewhere in end of last year... noticing things about how i have always felt and memories and stuff... im just super aware of how altered my perceptions seems to be at the moment...
disorientating me just hope im not really losing my mind completely, or going brain dead such is irony...

i've been trying to stay sober a great deal since like middle of last year..
i guess a sober mind is more active and asks more questions and notices more things..

think its a little hard to lose your mind when you've already gone mad

just glad that im not typing backwards or in complete gibberish since its really hard to focus currently... embarrassing..

many hugs, more of my rambling antics - dunno how i type that stuff, guess thats what you get for zoning out