I feel like a damn faker by writing this and it seems I can't stop insulting me this day.

So anyway, I'm starting in the workforce (at my 28-29 years of age, gods I feel sick) and right now besides my teaching job the Saturday I got a, well we call it here practices professionals, but it's pretty much an intern workload. 5 hours a day and 3 dollars for bus and a little something to eat in exchange to be trained in human resources which I want to work as an auxiliary/assistant but I lack the experience.

I.. made a lot of mistakes.

Anyway, the deal was that I would use my experience in my university as an administrative assistant to help them with their archives at the beginning and they would accept me and start teaching me about the work and maybe even, perhaps, find a job in the hospital.

Two weeks later, I'm still not getting any training. You see, they have like 8 boxes of just folders and archives in a mess about birth packets, surgeries and what not. I change the folders, rename them, order them in the alphabetic folder, put then in easy to find bunches and debug those who were more than 3 years old. Then I helped in the outpatient department with new entries that had to be captured and ordered, along with debuggin the M boxes (find them or write them in the excel archives, separate them and put in different boxes the files that were from 2013 and lower]). I also had to go find patients files, move boxes, get them up and down and since it's a small (6x3meters) basement I normally ended covered in dust and sweat.

I understood that I have to start from the lower of the lower but I was not learning anything. I was doing work that a man with only middle school could do and while (and they told me) was doing it very well and fast, I felt like I was being taken as a fool and cheap labor.

I talked to my boss about it and that the deal was not this. Very calmly we discussed and we said: 1 month I work as an auxiliary like this and the next two months it will be 3 days with him with my training and 2 days with administration and after that full with him.

It took me 10 years, so much money, sweat and tears to finish my college and while it's easy, I feel like garbage by doing this work for free but I said, we all start low and this is a sacrifice for my future.

Today the month was up and I worked with my all. I finished 18 boxes and around 2000 files, debuged, captured, sorted them all, got up and down with boxes and I think I had managed to get well with the rest of my coworkers, tomorrow I will decide if I stay or go.

I talked today with him (he has been very friendly... to friendly to the point that I think I felt for the first time why women get so uncomfortable with "positive" attention) and while not saying it, I told him I was ready to work tomorrow in human resources and what I would do first thing in the morning and he was like confused or evasive I think?, and that he would talk with the doctor in chief about the change and so on, it was like half and hour and I didn't feel confident. I feel like he didn't want me to change or something. I can't describe it ](as it's obvious in this massive post)

So talking with my mother about it, I decided that if tomorrow they don't start training me, that's it. I'm gone. If they are going to lie to me about this, they are just using me. It's not my job to make their life easier. To work because I feel blessed because I have work (or as my psychiatrist told me this tuesday, It's not really work at all). We made a deal and I had put my part of the bargain upfront.

And I feel sick with worry.

One year. It nearly took me one year to get a job as an intern in this and to simply go because of it mades me feel like a coward and a blaberring baby. Like I can't take working hard or know what is suffering while so many others work like me and don't have the cushion of my mothers support.

Other part of me is terrified that I only wasted my time and I won't even get a recommendation letter. That I took the wrong decission and threw away who knows how many opportunites. That if this took me so long, what would I do later? How can I abandon any work with how terrible the situation is? I feel bad and used, but isn't that what work in the beginning is supposed to be like?

Even if they tell me "we start monday" I'm of a mind of saying "okay, see you monday" and simply leave. But what is they fired me for that? What if I throw a great opportunity to get training, to get knowledge (is what bring me to the job in the interview) that was promised I could only get with extremely expensive courses for free while fattening my curriculum.

I feel so anxious. And unworthy. And confused. And terrified. I don't know if I'm doing what is right or if I even should fear so much for what it is simply not even a freaking job at all.

I know that I'm not going to get any response today and when I read them I would already take my decision. That I'm being negative and catastrophizing and crying for the future and how unfair is that I can't know what I should do but I just felt that I needed to let it out. To say it. To put it into words.

I don't know. I don't know.