Less than a year ago I began seeing a new therapist after the other retired. By the second session it became clear the pattern of behaviors I've been living with, and avoidant personality disorder is what he threw out to me as I'd been saying I wish I had a name for this, know depression couldn't be the only reason behind what I was going through. Ever since then I've been trying to break up the pattern and do the opposite of what I naturally lean towards. I'm making a little progress, but it still hangs around in my mind the idea that it's too late to make a difference. I'm too set in my ways and will just have to live with the misery they cause.

Anyway, I just started a new job about 6 weeks ago and I'm having a rough time. Training is killing me. I'm being watched and my anxiety about making mistakes actually causes me to make more of them. The embarrassment is beyond what I can tolerate. There have been too many days already where I've felt I'd rather die than put myself through another day of it all. I feel totally exposed and as if everyone around can see how awful I am. That I don't really belong there and shouldn't continue.

I don't expect support, but I just needed to share this. I've decided to increase sessions with the doctor as I try to adjust to the new people/situation of my job, because I've thought about hurting myself again. The isolation, the fear and near panic I go into when I consider disappointing people...It seems hopeless now. I can't really change and yet I can't see living like this forever.