Hey Sundance,
There are times in my past too that I did certain things in order to cope with the abuse that I was going through - maybe it would end it, maybe it would change the picture in such a way that I could at least deal with it. I used to beat myself up pretty badly over my actions - and sometimes still do, but then I started realizing that I had to survive some how, and at the time, that was the only way I had to cope. There was a lot of forgiveness for myself in realizing that. My actions did not, as I had believed prior, make the perpetrator at the time any less wrong in their actions. My actions did not make them do what they were doing. Their actions cornered me into reactions that I would not have normally in a healthy situation ever considered doing. I didn't deserve it, I didn't ask for it, just tried to cope with it - the best way I could. Sometimes it helped, most of the time, it was a fruitless effort that didn't stop anything. It did however make it a little easier for me to deal with it on some level. At that point, ANY level was welcome. Regardless of how something started, or how it continued, I still had to live with it in my own skin. It would be easy to blame myself - I was too this, I was too that, I did this and that was so and so to enable them to do what ever - bottom line I could have been a slug on the ground and the abusers would still be abusers. In your situation that you wrote about, you were doing the best you could to protect yourself. And perhaps did something that went against your grain, but at least you were still trying to cope. They could have turned at any time, said this is wrong, apologize and changed their actions. They didn't.

Have a sweet day,
Beth