how do you know if you are like completely losing it?

i mean, im reluctant to even ask...

how odd is it to find yourself spaced out distracted from what you were doing on the computer staring at the tv and laughing at something, coming to and wondering what in the heck why laugh at that and someone is going to hear me laughing like a mad man eek
just example... i think everyone already things im crazy... dont want to make it worse..
i think im really going insane ... but i dunno how to know ... even if i was, what could i do? man this will be the end of me

im so tired... this fatigue no amount of sleep/rest can seem to remedy, you know..?
maybe im just having some kind of psychotic break... never really having ever had any problems with psychosis, its just throwing me off guard... like... taking me for a run, you know.. but i always thought psychosis was about hallucinations, auditory and visual, delusions, paranoia... and it didnt really involve so much memory loss... well i dont have any halucinations or paranoia, i just cant remember anything and i dunno whats going on... maybe its just some weird delusion... but i seem to be so very dissociated...
but some how im going through days, and no one seems to be saying anything about anything, but im sitting here wandering... why cant i remember? and why is no one saying anything...? if im not in control, then who is?
i dunno, i have so many mixed feelings about it
when i try to relax thats when i space out and find myself ... like im so tired and im letting my guard down because im fainting but my body doesnt faint,,? its like i am still awake kind of but i dunno whats happening.. everything gets super foggy and time like stands still... until i refocus and see everything around me, blah, just need to stop laughing at stuff outloud
and learn some how to pay attention to time so i can try to focus and get things done... like relaxing


i dont even know what im saying, i hope that some how im not deleted and never get to breathe again.. feel like im losing everything, this seems to be the end you know what i mean?
i dunno whats wrong with me... :spinning:

im just having a hard time i guess... maybe i am really stressed... i am so hard on myself sometimes... i shouldn't blame myself for so much, but i take so much responsibility for the past and i shouldnt...

like brain damage... i broke my brain... dunno how, but some how i broke it

twisted and deranged

im scared... i dont want to lose my mind... they used to call me a genius but i am so incapacitated right now i am fearful that i might be dieing.. or losing complete control over my life, even if i did have control i dont know what to do so maybe i dont need it anyway
i just cant handle more shame, more attention, i just want please no one look at me... you know?
but i really am trapped... i have no choice but to let the lights shine on and take the heat... i am in trouble... because there is no way out, and i need to do it...
its out of my hands now, so to speak.. just hope something or someone can give me enough strength to do what ever i need to do ..

i hate confronting things, people, anything

am i losing my mind..? or is this really just a bad dream, i mean i could see it being a bad dream... doubt anyone would tell me if it was though
is a funny joke though, sometimes i wish it was a dream... maybe ill get lucky one day and wake up...

sorry if im writing confusing... its hard...

grr :/ so annoying, when you wanna get so mad at yourself but you cant because you cant help it