thanks...
well, i have always said "things will be ok"
i have said it so many times... i dunno, things have to be ok, everything will be fine...
i think i've just been doing this for too long... but its ok, i am built to take great amounts of ... stress... i guess..
but everyone gets tired..? i cant remember the last time i felt relaxed.. like i dont think i have ever been able to relax and let my guards down, why did i have to complicate things so much... but it wasn't my fault really, i just didnt know what to do .. being overwhelmed from such a young age must cause your brain to short circuit...
its just that im like really aware of myself right now and i dunno if i have ever felt this way before... i think i have done it other times, but i cant remember anything anyway so i wouldnt remember if i did.. but if i survived what i went through, i should be able to survive my own mind right...
its like im aware, but im so ... i guess far away... i just feel like ...
omg i dont know how to put it into words... what have i done..
maybe i am just very numb right now... maybe its just numb.. but i feel alot of things, i have never been so confused
my severely psychotic perpetrator will be released from prison sometime this year, and they are wanting someone to sign papers for him sort of releasing him into the care of is what my understanding of it is... and if they sign the papers and bring him here... omg im going to have a melt down
he tried to kill me multiple times.... and tormented everyone... why do they feel sorry for him... he can go make a good happy life away from me, i just dont want anything to do with him and dont want to think about it any ever any more ever again ... i think so many things are just really overwhelming me...
i am so screwed... why me...
im not writing this for sympathy, please dont pity me... i never talk about things, dunno why i should write anything on a forum... i guess i just would like someone to know if something happens to me, im not a bad person...
im really sad.... afraid..
i cant handle so much and i dont know what to do... i cant handle anything to be honest, the smallest things trigger me... to be faced with something so big as someone that i have night terrors about... i might be struck dead by lightning...
the bad thing is i had ample opportunity to kill him, but something inside me wouldn't let me... and i blacked out and dont remember what happen besides i think i just disapeared somewhere instead of fighting anymore... sometimes i wonder if i made the right decision, i just remember his eyes... he was afraid at that time, and i couldn't...
would things be any better..? who knows..
some people are very evil people.... and they effect everyones lives they walk into....
i wish there was a way to go back and do things over, why do peoples have to have traumatic experiences ?
im just rambling... i should probably try to lay down, maybe tonight i can get some sleep from the help of the wine
thanks for listening...
this one is interesting,
Quote:
Hmmm, My vision has always been golden.
thats why i see the pearly gates starting to open.
i aint got no friends, because I've been an omen....Oh man.
hmmm...take a look at the enemies blood i am soaked in.
staring back at my reflection thinkin' bout the hand of cards I've been holdin'.
when I'm upset its hard to control it.
soon as im fully charged, i unload it.
this **** is keeping Marcus so devoted to writing these crazy bars and you know it!
I'm too steady with the juice.
get the booth ready, when i barge in, I'm HULK'n.
I'm no longer with avengers.
heart is frozen with some vengeance.
8 years old i was a menace.
i can't get lost in all the critics, they judging when they aint crawled up out the trenches.
look *****es, I'm making doe from all the *****in.
you'd think i whip baking soda in the kitchen.
its U.P and taking over is the mission...the realest.
and they should know the shits encrypted..listen.
Chorus
I debate...should i smile like everythings good and pretend that life is great.
or should i let the world see the real me and not hide this pain.
i tried to be like the rest of y'all, sorry i just cant,
ama probably die this way. (ama die this way)
ah yeah (3x)
you know ama die this way, ama die this way.
ah yeah (3x)
you know ama die this way, ama die this way.
verse 2
where did my mind go?
tell me why am i letting these bombs blow.
im stubborn and even my mom knows that.
am i lonely? yes.
I'm on one, thats why my homies left.
i live with no regrets.
mother****ers i won't repent.
man the other day i cussed my girlfriends parents out.
it is apparent now...they try to justify their daughters ********..
Whelp...i am raw enough to air it out.
im intense at times, in my mind there's a grinch inside that tells me to write offensive lines.
if the **** i do doesn't make sense in your head, nigga **** you..because it makes sense in mine.
yeah, i think i got a little ego...if you cut me open, you would see I'm full of it..
from the 8 eighteen, a mother****in panorama city hooligan.
i see the whole world and everybody's looking like a duplicate.
***** i do me, and thats the only way you'll ever see me doin it.
Chorus
I debate...should i smile like everythings good and pretend that life is great.
or should i let the world see the real me and not hide this pain.
i tried to be like the rest of y'all, sorry i just cant.
ama probably die this way. (ama die this way)
ah yeah (3x)
you know ama die this way, ama die this way.
ah yeah (3x)
you know ama die this way, ama die this way.
bridge
I don't feel no shame.
why should i hide this pain?
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
sorry were not the same.
verse 3
there isn't much that anybody else can tell me.
I'm the only nigga living in my shoes and this **** is overwhelming.
i travel earth like a lost soul.
fires burning as i rot slow.
there aint many i can vent to in this world.
i got family but we're not close.
so i tell my story through a hot song.
you all know to get your popcorn when i hit you with the ill mind.
neverland? thats a place you know were not goin.
this is struggle and pain..
about me always being stuck in the rain.
to be honest, i don't want it to change.
ama take it to my death bed up until nothing remains.
Chorus
I debate...should i smile like everythings good and pretend that life is great.
ah yeah (3x)
you know ama die this way, ama die this way.
ah yeah (3x)
you know ama die this way, ama die this way.
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