I had my session today with T. When we got there he wanted to know how my appt with the out reach team went, if they upped my meds? I told him yes, and she also prescribed a sleeping pill. I haven't been sleeping, I fall right asleep but the nightmares wake me, or I am thrashing so hard in bed, my husband wakes me to bring me out of them. He doesnt' agree with the sleeping aids, says I would be better off taking the Zoloft at night, and to call her and ask her if that is ok, then he says the nightmares are because of anxiety, and I am not getting into the REM sleep that I need.

Next we start to talk about working on my inner child, I told him that I havent' been able to do alot, because right now where I am in the work book, is pretty painful stuff. When I do it, the memories flood back along with all the emotions I was feeling then, and how can I do this work, if I can't get past the feelings I am having........so........and here is where I am so confused.....he told me to stop the work, take a break, a long break, get my life back, do something, take a class, so what if this stuff is on hold for the next year or even 5 years, is there anywhere it is written you have to do it now!! I can't even talk right now, I feel just like I did when I was a kid, pushed aside and told not to think about what I am feeling.......so I just sat there, he asked if there was something I wanted to talk about......well how the hell can you think of something after those comments where made, I told him well I did, but you kind of threw a monkey wrench my way!!! Then I told him I wanted to go, this was 30 minutes into our session, he said NO......when you do this, you go home and then I hear from you on how you wanted to say something and didn't.......I told him don't worry you won't hear from me..........he asked if he could make another appt, I said no...........if I need one I will call........when hell freezes over maybe.........I am so confused........hurt..........angry.........ok mad as hell........because I feel like nothing I am feeling matters...........put it back in the box and leave it there, for another 30 years........I can't even get therapy right....I screw that up........what is the use to go on........to deal with anything........for all my life, I have not spoken up for me, I was never allowed to..........never knew how...........did I screw this up because I can't say what I am really thinking??????? Am I that much of screw up that therapy isn't ever going to make me better either.........just stop doing it!!! I cannot believe he said that to me...........I hate him right now........he has put me somewhere that I cannot stand or want to be.......but he just made me feel like I have always felt, that I am not worth it.........get on with my life.....I have been, but also working on this stuff...........I got a job, I get out once in awhile.........I try not to isolate myself anymore........and he wants me to just get on with things.....my life before this was caregiver to mom......she died........I don't know what else to do, her anniversary of her death is in a week and a half, dreading it.......but get on with my life.........I don't even like it when he calls me into his office and stands at the door, I have to walk down the hall........I am so self conscious of everything I do......yet I am ok, and it is time to move on..........what do I do??? What would you do??? Do I even care right now........NO>.......this doesn't make any sense to me!!!!