Hello,
first of all, sorry for my english as Im not native speaker. I would like to tell you about my problem because I cant talk to anybody in real life about it so I have to do it anonymously. Im 24 years old, student in medical university and I have quite good job so no problems in financial way but money never made me happy. I have really big problems with self confidence and I cant stop hating myself since few years ago when I had mental breakdown and atempted suicide. Its getting worse and worse and its like on roller coaster (ups and downs). Iv met girl (online) many years ago but we have started dating only few months ago because we couldnt find courage to meet each other and confess in love. Problem is, she doesnt know about my depressions and she sees me as confident and happy person because that who Im when Im next to her. I really love her which I never did before and its getting stronger and stronger. She also have problems with self confidence and depression even worse then I do and since I know her Im trying to help her to get out of it. I dont want her to feel same way as I do, and I will do anything for it. Thats why I didnt tell her anything. I should be strong for her and make her the happiest girl on planet which Im trying all the time. She says, that Im really helping her and that she is very lucky having me but my mind says something different Im not good enought for her, she should be with someone better. Leave her if you truly love her. My mind is constantly screaming on that Im harming her because she is dating somebody like me I cant leave her because it would break her heart neither stay with her because she deserves better. I just want her to be happy, thats all. I would be really glad to see her with somebody else who would make her happy or if I could take care of her without her knowing about me I would like to die but I cant kill myself because it will do damage to some people, who are close to me, even if there arent many of them but I cant let them suffer because of me. And also I cant live at the same time. Im trapped in cage and there is no way out for me I just want to not exist. Never be born.... Should I tell her about my problems? Do you think it will hurt her? It wont help me anyhow, Im sure about it. I just feel like im lying her, but Iv never pretended to be anybody else. Im just totaly different when Im close to her.

Thanks for reading. Maybe I just needed to write it out of me.