Thank you for the kind replies My issue is that even if I am 'psychotic', they reckon 30% don't respond to antipsychotics at all and 30% only partially, so what am I supposed to do if I'm one of those?! I've been on about 30 meds/combinations and only aripiprazole had a partial response on the voices (which I don't hear anymore anyway). My hospital pdoc is already talking about what AP she will try after the olanzapine!! I did the whole medication merry-go-round thing for many years and it just made everything worse for me, both because of side effects with no benefits, and because of this crazed desperation that the next one would be 'the one'. Getting off meds was the best thing because I was able to finally live the life I had instead of holding out for a life I couldn't have.

I was told in my Hearing Voices group (I go to help others, not because I hear voices currently) to "celebrate" the medication (ironically enough by a guy who takes 2 antipsychotics and is still severely symptomatic!!), but it feels like I've taken several steps backwards in 'recovery' to be suckered back on the medication merry-go-round

Who told you that you were allowed to die? How did you negotiate to stay in the afterlife? Do you still believe it's the afterlife or did the meds change your mind? I could **possibly** make a meaningful life here in the afterlife, I'm not sure, but only under assurances that I wouldn't dissolve and go to 'hell'. As it stands, the Solstice full moon is my next chance to prove myself to the Moon and cross over, and I am fully committed to that. My brother is visiting then though so it will be hard not to eat or drink with him around, but I have to stay strong. The olanzapine makes me spiritually weaker so it's harder to fast, which makes it all the more necessary to do so.

*Willow*