Quote:
Originally Posted by Sula B
What you've said has really struck me. I was a happy child although I have joked many times about my being the definition of middle child syndrome (so much that I can tell you about that) I was accomplished, smart and outgoing. Yet I experienced sexual abuse from someone my parents trusted and the only time I ever mentioned it, my disclosure was met with an angry and blaming response from my narcissistic and controlling mother so I never mentioned it again. I am a biracial woman and when I was 11 my parents embarked on a tour of the world, never staying in one place for more than 18 months, during which time I endured racism and rejection in every place I lived (don't even ask me about the rejection I felt from within my own household from being the one who didn't fit in or conform to the rules of risk aversion and boredom). I have joked to people many times about how my parents dragged me around the world to be rejected by every community I ever encountered.
There was a time in my teens where I thought I would never make it to my 18 th birthday because of suicidal thoughts. There have been many other negative experiences which are too numerous (and probably for anyone else) far too boring and tedious to go into - basically I seem to have a knack for attracting abusive and psychotic individuals who view me as something to destroy mentally.
In later adulthood I have reached a point where I can think about suicide many times a day (I have it all worked out but keep tweaking it) to the point where I can bore myself and put the thoughts aside. This scares me more than having clear ideation as it feels almost like making a shopping list and when the time comes to do the shopping I will just end doing it with the robotic matter of factness as I do everything else.
I have not actually attempted suicide but there is no doubt in my mind that I could perfect it in one go and this scares me too.
I go to work and hold down an accountable and responsible full time job, I have always paid my way, I have somehow managed to raise 2 very intelligent and capable kids and yet my value in my own eyes is zero.
I apologise to anyone who reads this for the rant but what I can say is that it is 100% truthful.
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I'm sorry for what you went through. I'm sure it took everything you had just to be able to talk about what happened. I can't imagine how you felt when you weren't heard and then blamed by your mother. It wasn't your fault and it is shear crazy making for your mother to say that it was. You didn't ask for what happened and its a tragedy there wasn't any justice for what someone did to you.
I think when you have a messed up childhood it is hard to feel good about yourself. When I was a kid I blamed myself for everything. I've never felt great about myself and I just have to imitate confidence and project that. I wish I had advise on how to make yourself feel worthy. I'm still working on that.
I don't know you or your kids but I want to think you are the most valuable person to them.
My wife is biracial and she had a hard time when she moved to the west coast (US) as a kid. She wasn't accepted by either of her races and made her feel very ioslated. She got by with her dads attitude (If they don't like you, then F them).