I haven't posted in this section in awhile. It's just so inactive I feel like I'm taking over, but **** it. I need to get this out.

I've been struggling with my identity lately. Where do I fit in? Who am I? What am I good for? What's my thing?

I used to be the good looking friend who knew how to work a soccer ball. I also have a closet geeky side. In sum, this was my identity. Soccer Barbie... with glasses.

So, as soon as pictures were posted from a night out my girl friends would have messages from their guy friends asking who I was. Whenever the indoor or outdoor soccer season rolled around I had my pick of teams. Whenever I was "casually" introduced to one of said guy friends I'd blow their minds with my geeky depths.

[Aside: I'm getting married this summer and the planning has taken so much of my time. As much fun as being a bride is I just need something more to complete my identity.]

Now? I have held onto my geeky side, but the rest has gone to ****. And that's when I realized that I'm just another blip on the radar. It's depressing. I haven't gained a lot of weight (I'm too controlled for that), but I definitely don't have a bikini body. I'm not even the top goal scorer. I'm useless on the field.

I'm tired of being sad about it. Lost about it. If I have to let my ED take center stage again so be it. It's my thing. Again. (I think that's why this disease is so toxic: We see it as a safety net.) Anyway, who cares if I'm not the pretty friend anymore... yet? Who cares if I don't score goals? I'm thin! My soccer team is having a BBQ after the game tomorrow and I can't wait to waltz in their with my fruit. Normally, I'd have a hamburger, but now? I don't deserve a ****ing hamburger. If I can't be the best player I'll at least be the thinnest!