Hi,I am in a bad way ,I feel mentally unbalanced today and fighting to stay on top of things.Last night I had my nightmare dream that I had lost it big time and was going to hell and there was no way back.It was big fear and that dread, the fear you are about to be murdered and can't do anything about it.I dreamed repeatedly that my sister was knocking on my door demanding to be let in,and saying she needed money.

The thing is I cut my sister out of my life for abuse and psychological violence and trying to drive me to suicide,I cut her out a year and a half ago.About two months ago I was sorting some old shoes of mine at my mum's house and choose some to bring home to sell.There were a pair of trainers and some battered and old shoes with a pink inside lining,I left at mum's saying they could be thrown away.Well yesterday I found them tucked into the shoe draw of my wardrobe,and I found an old dildo that I had given to my sister two years ago to throw away.So my narcissistic sister has been using the spare keys to my house that I left at my mum's to get into my house and she put those things there to freak me out and gaslight me.I was horrified and in shock.It triggered my PTSD cos the house was cluttered and in a mess like last time my sister tried to kill me,I was getting emotional memories from back then happening exactly like it was then and I feared for my life and my sanity....I really almost broke down and got emotionally and mentally disturbed and in distress to the point I couldn't function.

So today I cancelled my meal out with my niece for her birthday,cos that is when I reckon she lets herself in when I am out with my niece.I am having my locks changed that day instead,next Tuesday,and someone is coming from a charity today to help me with the keysafe code.I am resting cos I am run down physically too.I am doing all I can to take care of myself and not deteriorate.
The PTSD symptoms are horrible,they hurt,the memories the pain,it is unbearable at times,I know it I just feel the pain and accept it is there and honor it and what I went through it is better than trying to escape the pain.But it is hard, especially cos I am alone without support.

I am finding it difficult because my mum was trying to deny it happened that my sister did that, let herself into my house,but in the end I said,whatever the locks are getting changed,I know those shoes and I know they were at your house and not in my wardrobe,so mum said ok,just do what you need to look after yourself.My mum is dependent on my sister so can't say anything or get involved.She is supportive to me though.

That is it,that is why I have PTSD in the first place from traumatic incidents or violence I have suffered before and while mentally and physically ill,at the hands of my sister.Should I go under now and let her win?
I didn't think she would still be trying to make me ill and go mad so she could kill me but she is still trying even though she is no longer meant to be in my life.I am mixed up and afraid.Marylinx